The Visit

The van pulled up, down our long country road and stopped.  Out of the van jumped Melanie, with her backpack and Teddy bear and favorite blanket in hand.  She ran into the house and into my arms and it seemed like she was never going to let go.  Her sisters were still at play practice, so it gave Melanie a chance to get settled back in, before everyone was home.

I admit I was nervous about this visit, I thought 3 weeks was too short of a time, before a visit should happen.  I had hear earlier, that home visits usually did not happen until at least 3 months, into the Treatment Center.  I just had visions of her not wanting to go back and since she is 18, that is her choice.

When her sisters came home, she wanted to answer the door and surprise them.  The were very surprised and acted very happy to see their big sister.  Hannah just wouldn't let go.  Friday was a quiet, nice night.  We had dinner and rented an on demand movie, with Sandra Bullock, The Proposal.  It was very nice, all of us in the Family Room, eating pop corn and laughing.  That is until mom, fell asleep and started snoring, in the middle of the movie.  That's what happens when you are still recovering from Swine flu.  I waddled off to bed, but the rest of the family enjoyed the movie.

In the morning, Melanie wanted to go to the High School to work with on the High School Musical, she was suppose to be in.  It was Work Day, so it was a crazy, busy day with everyone....well working.  I thought it would be too painful for her to see the other girls playing her parts, but she handled it really well.  It did hurt her, but she talked to me about it and decided not to go back on Sunday.  Instead she decided to focus on how great it was to see her drama friends and how happy they were to see her.  Daddy Man had to go to a Band Banquet, ah, the life of a principal, so I took my 3 girls and a friend of theirs out for deep hair conditioning treatments and haircuts.  The one girls had never had her hair cut Professionally before, her mom always did it, so she was very excited.  I had these $20.00 off coupons for each of them, so it cost me very little.  

Next up was a trip to Panera Breads for dinner and off to the mall.  Luckily, (for me) the movie, A Christmas Carol, was starting so the girls didn't get as much shopping in as they would have liked (about 40 hours) and the mall was closed when the movie was over.  The movie was very good, the graphics were amazing but very scary for younger children.  Hell, I  was scared and clinging to Hannah.  Those spirits were very spirited.

Sunday, Christie and Hannah had to go back to play practice.  David and I had a very nice lunch, alone with Melanie.  She shared a lot about her experiences there and her insights.  She compared herself to being the spoiled Helen Keller at home (no offense mom) and the school being the teacher.  There is some validity to that observation, painful, but true.  Not all of it, but certainly, a piece.  She talked about how sad she felt for so many of the children because so many of their parents didn't have the support, couldn't handle or understand their illness and just "cut them off."  Some are hoping to be adopted.  It really bothers her and I think she appreciates more how lucky she is to have a family who loves her unconditionally and will support her.

The van that was suppose to pick her up was suppose to come at 4:00 pm, but didn't arrive until 6:00 pm because it got so lost out here in the country.  The girl driving was VERY frazzled.  I understand, there is not much out here, but fields and and more field.  At dark, it is horrible, so mapquest is horrible.  When the van did pull up, out jumps a girl, who is crying, because she thought I didn't remember her.  It was a child I worked with from K-5th grade.  One of my favorite children in the world.  She was crying and hugging me, telling me I was the best Social Worker she ever had and she was afraid I forgot her.  I told her I still have the beautiful drawings she gave me, and how I remembered her and thought about her all the time.  I think Melanie was a little freaked out, she told me they had to leave.  Later on the phone, she told me I was acting strange.  I told her it was strange to have a student I worked with and cared for, for 6 years, standing in my house.  Inside, I was so thrilled to see her.  I truly adored that child.  I guess she drew Melanie pictures all the way back to the Residential Treatment Center.

Overall, it was a great visit.  Melanie truly seems to have grown, but I know 3 weeks, is too short a time for true growth.  They have taken her off one medication and started weaning her off another.  She really was like a different person.  I was just so happy to see her looking so good.  Plus, she has lost 15 pounds, now that the meds. are coming down.

That's all for now.  I'm tired.  Have a great night.

XXXXXXXXX

I love this Real Simple quote for the day:

"Anger makes you smaller, while Forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were."  Cheie Cater-Scott

H1N1/Swine Flu/The kindness of others/Weird topic's together

Last Friday I had a bit of a sore throat, but I tried to ignore it.  I went with my friend to get our hair done and then our for a quick bite to eat.  I love this little place that serves chicken soup in bread bowls.  It was cold out, snow flakes were coming down, we snagged a table by the fireplace and just relaxed.  It was nice, except my throat kept hurting more and more, and at one point I could feel my whole body just give out.  I was totally spent, and decided I just needed to go home and crawl into some warm pajamas and settle in for the night.

Driving home, I reflected on the week.  We have a family who has a 3 year old,who was last week diagnosed with Leukemia.  They have 5 children in the family, so I organized I sign up sheet, where staff would bring in meals for the family, one each night.  I was overwhelmed at the kindness of our staff.  The sign up sheet was filled in one day, and I had staff coming up with other ideas on how to help and one teacher handed me a $100.00 Gift Card from a local grocery story.  I end up delivering the dinners, but they live only a block from school, so it is the least I can do.  The mother is so appreciative and I'm so thankful I work with such a caring staff.  Not a day  goes by that a staff member doesn't stop in my office with another idea or way to help out.  So, I was driving home, thinking about that, trying to ignore my throat, which was getting worse, drinking a huge bottle of diet ginger ale, thinking it has some magical properties and praying I could make it home.  It was so dark, cold and rainy.  I hate wet leaves on the road, it is almost like ice!  I was mostly worried about the fact that I had a visit set up with Melanie in the morning and I did not want a sore throat to get in the way of that.  We both were looking forward to our Mom and Melanie  Day.  Earlier, in the day, she told me she was counting down the minutes.

Once I was home, I quickly went to bed and fell into a deep, deep sleep.  In the morning, I got up and my voice was totally gone.  I could tell I was in trouble because every part of my body hurt, including my fingers and toes.  I decided that since I  didn't have a fever,  if I took some Motrin, I could push on and still drive down and see Melanie.  She had been looking forward to it all week, we were going to Barnes and Noble to look at books, to lunch and to see a movie, and then dinner.  We were hoping to walk some of the beautiful trails they have down there, as she is in the middle of the most beautiful country side and so many of the leaves are still crimson, yellow,orange and even deep purple.   As soon as I stood up, I was shaking, uncontrollably.  My whole body was shaking, even my teeth were clattering.  I was freezing and my fever was rising so fast.  It went up to 102 degrees, very quickly.  I yelled for someone to help me, but I had no voice.  I couldn't move, just stood there and shook.  I threw an empty shampoo bottle into Hannah's wall, luckily she is use to me knocking on it to get her attention, so she came.  She covered me with three blankets, and put me to bed.  She called her father, who was at an auction where a furniture store was going out of business, hoping to get us a new couch.  He came home right away, but Hannah stayed right there with me, holding me and telling me I was okay.  Talk about role reversal.  It was very sweet, but I think she was scared to death.  I kept telling her I was okay, I just needed the Motrin to kick in.  What is so ironic is this has happened to me one other time, the day I came home from the hospital, after giving birth to Hannah.  The shaking uncontrollable, the teeth chattering, the fever going up so fast.  That is why I knew exactly, what was happening.  Only back then, they made me come back to the hospital, because they thought it could be related to giving birth,  like an infection or something.  It was one of the worse days of my life because I had to leave my new baby home and spend another 5 days in the hospital, without her.  My heart hurt so much.  So, now, 14 years later, here she is comforting me.  

Bottom line, there was no way I could get in a car and drive all that way and spend the day with Melanie.  I called her and I was sad, felt guilty and she was sad and crying, but said she understood.  She told me she wanted me to take care of myself and not get worse.  She told me it was OK that she was crying because she was just disappointed and because she missed me so much, but she really understood.  She was actually amazingly calm about it and mature.  By the end of the conversation, she told me to get better, so she could see me next Saturday.  David and the girls went on Sunday.  She also told me a story about how all the young children love her and want her to help them or comfort them or ask if she can tuck them in (she can't it is against the rules) and how sad she feels that their parents have given up on them.  She said, "I think I learned how to nurture and be a good mother like figure from all the love you gave me."  I was touched, sick, but really touched.

I stayed in bed all day Saturday and Sunday.  My doctor said I did have the Swine Flu, but as long as it stayed out of my chest, the best thing was to rest and take Motrin.  I tried to go into work on Monday and was promptly sent home by my principal, along with 3 other staff members and my vice principal was taken out by ambulance.  She was smart to send me home because I have been in bed all day Monday, Tuesday and will probably be tomorrow too.  This is the worse flu I have ever had.  It hurts all over, my head is killing me, I'm all congested and the coughing is driving me crazy.  Luckily, it has not gone into my chest.  I mean I am coughing, but I can breath.   So I am hoping by Thursday, I'll be good to go.  I wish there was a shot for this before I caught it, because I don't ever want to be this sick again.  I got my  flu shot, but there is a shortage of the H1N1 vaccines.  So I didn't get it in time.  I'm so lucky, it never went into my chest.  A few of my teacher friends are actually in the hospital, so if you get it, go to the doctor.

Anyway, some good news, my Donors Choose Journal Project was fully funded (thanks again Michelle for telling me about this) and I'll be getting $400.00 worth of journals coming in the mail.  Thanks to all of you who could donate, it was appreciated.   I was so excited.  I have so many kids on the waiting  to get them.  I buy as many as I can, but they go out the door just as fast.  I take home 20 to 30 a night and I still can't keep up with what they share.  It is a good thing for them to write, trust and be open with  their feelings.  I'm learning so much more about what is going on with them.  More importantly, they know they are being heard and that people care.  My co-worker, another Social Worker, joked that I would soon have to go out on disability from carrying back and forth all those journals.  The bad is heavy, but so our so many of their hearts.  That sounded so corny, but so true.  He thinks I am nuts to do this,  but I told him to try it with just one of the kids he works with.

Melanie is doing really well in her new home.  She is on Level 4, the highest Level.  She is off one medication and they are now tapering off another.  She is on the Council Advisory Board, a paid position, was hired to work in the kitchen making money, learning to cook, is in charge of the Holiday Play.   She is very excited about this and of course is writing her own show.  She said the stuff they used in the past was "lame" and she wants to use the song "Believe" from The movie The Polar Express, because "it not only has a great holiday message, but also a great message about life."  She  told me that during an exercise, I won't do into the details, but it was beautiful and very symbolic, she said " I realized that I do have an illness and I do need help to get better.  I can't do this alone."  WOW!  This was  a huge step for her, as she could never really accept her Bi Polar as a medical illness, that she needed to treat for the rest of her life.   I am aware that this will be an up and down road for her, but for now, she seems to be in a really good place.  I just keep praying and giving the love.

Hannah's bump on the head is fine.  She had to rest for 3 days, saw her old friends at the Concussion Clinic, and is back to her regular, crazy schedule.  I worry about her, because she insists on overextending herself, and ends up exhausted, but insists she has to stay busy and can't get bored.   She is missing Melanie so much and has broken down several times, crying, saying how people don't understand how much she misses her sister.  It is ironic, since those two could not be in the same room without fighting.   I never doubted how much they loved each other, but I thought Hannah would feel some relief, less pressure but it has had the opposite effect.    She does seems to be doing very well in her new school, so it looks like this will be the one, until she graduates.  Thank God.  

For Thanksgiving, the word is simple.  We are not going to Maryland.  This is the first one I missed since dating David, at age 18.  I'm happy.  We are renting a hotel near Melanie, with a suite, indoor pool and going to try to find a restaurant that is serving dinner.  I'm happy with option.  The girls are too.  It is tough for David, it is his family tradition, I don't think he has ever missed a Thanksgiving, and for some reason Melanie is trying to get a 4 day pass to go.  Even if she gets the pass, I told them, it is a really bad idea.  For too many reasons to list here. This year it will be about family, our family.

Wishing you all peace and good health.

XOXOXO 

Slowing Down

Please pray for Attila over at Cheaper than Therapy.  Her son is very ill, and needs all our prayers.  Her link is on my side bar.  She is a wonderful, wonderful person and needs our prayers and well wishes.  I can't stop thinking about her and her son, and wish I could do more.  Please add her and her family to your prayer list or send love and good wishes.  Life is precious, hug your children tightly.  She is one of the best mother's I know and has helped me so much throughout the years, with my challenges.  I wish I could do more for her.

I went to visit Melanie twice at her new Residential Treatment Facility.  She is doing very well.  She is so happy there and is already on level 3.  The top level is 4.  Christie and I were able to take her to a movie and dinner.  She just went on and on about how she wanted to get better/stable and how she was going to work hard on her issues and her mental health was her top priority.  She now wants to start a Chorus for children who struggle with mental illness, like Bi Polar and Depression and all the other labels that put on children and medicate with medications meant for adults.  Melanie is a big believer in music healing the soul.  What made me sad was  she played me a song, called Who Will Love Me As I am?  You can find it on U Tube by Alice Ripley and Emily someone from the show Sideshow.  You should really play it.  She said that song was written for her and that is how she feels.  I cry when I hear it and wish I could fix it, but have hope that her future will hold brighter things for her.  This treatment center is a very good first step.  I know we are still in the Honeymoon Phase, but the changes are really striking.  They have taken her off one med. and will wait and see how she does, she is putting in place some great coping skills and is working in the kitchen, earning money.  She has the structure, constant therapeutic support and 24 hour supervision, that I could not provide.  I honestly don't remember seeing her so happy.  The only sadness is when I leave, the tears come, as she misses me.  I miss her, but I know this is what she needs.  More importantly, she knows this  is what she needs.

I was at the Dentist this morning and my cell phone kept ringing and ringing.  I was annoyed because I forgot to turn it off.  It was David, telling me Hannah was in the ER because she got hit in the head with a basketball.  Hannah had that level 3 concussion 3 years ago, that turned her whole world upside down.  She was just cleared from the Concussion Clinic, last Spring.  Now she is dizzy, nauseous and her headache is back.  She saw a doctor this am, but are now waiting to hear from the Concussion Clinic.  I hope this is not a set back, just a small bump, literally.   She has been doing so well, in her new school, in her theatre program and with the Open Hand Theatre.  She has been like her old self, although Melanie leaving has been tough on her.  

Have a good day.  Slow down, that is my goal, trying to appreciate the little things in life.  I'm always rushing from place to place, running late, huffing and puffing, yelling at the kids to hurry and at least for today, my goal is to go with the flow.  

XOXOXO

What I Did This Week

*  Honored and remembered the 5 year anniversary of my sister Laura's death.  She died 5 years ago and would have been 36 in December.  Her daughter, now my daughter (I'm mom # 2) is still grieving deeply.  By total accident, I found a Sunflower (her mother's favorite flower and the ones she grew so beautifully) quilt, and gave it to Christie as a gift.  She thinks of it as her mother's loving arms wrapped around her, when the quilt is around her.  Of course, she noted, she feels that feeling often, quilt or no quilt, but the quilt made her very happy.  I love Christie and no child should loose their parent at such a young age.  I, miss Laura, think about her every day and strive to be more like her loving, giving, caring spirit.  Laura did not have a mean bone in her body and was the most caring person I know.  Christie was her life.  I love you Laura.  You would be so proud of Christie, she is just like you.

*Drove my daughter, M., with my husband,  to a voluntary Residential Treatment Center.  It was iffy, if she was going to go through with signing herself in, as she just turned 18, but in the end she did.  It is a beautiful place, with very caring people.  I felt good about it, very good.  I knew right away, this is the place where she needed to be.  She actually has a chance to be stabilized and a shot at a typical life.  The second day there, she requested a lawyer just to go over her rights.  She is a very bright 18 year old and if she can get her Bi Polar under control, she can go far.  Although, I know it will be a life long journey to stay healthy.  I do worry that she will get angry or rage and want to sign herself out, as she tends to act when angry.  However, I will deal with that if and when it comes up.  I hope the staff can calm her down and try to reason with her or David and I have taken the hard line with her that we love her, she will always have a home here, but she must be stable and following her doctor's advice.  Sounds harsh, even as I type it, but I can't have her living here if she is hurting Hannah or me.  It will be really hard for me to say that to her again, but I have to, to make sure she gets stable.  Her main reason for not wanting to go in?  So she doesn't miss the Senior High School Musical and she wants to graduate with her class.  I understand this, I really do, but I have to look at, and try to get her to see the big picture, her future.  She wants to go to college, at this point she can't (she wants to go to NYU or another 4 year college, away from home).  Her grades are fine, but emotionally,at this point, she can't.  If she was stable, with supports in place, she really could achieve some of her dreams.  I have hope, cautious, but hope.

*Am very aware that the dynamics in our family have shifted and the other issues our family have are now being forced to come forward.  It is a good thing.  Scary, but good, honesty and dealing with the undercurrents is the only way to get the family healthy.  I set a goal to get our family healthy, emotionally and physically, they do go hand in hand.  That is why we will all continue with our individual counseling and couple therapy.  It is critical.

*Was told time and time again, by my bosses how much they appreciate me and was thanked by so many teachers for what I do with the children.  I don't do it for that reason, so I am always surprised when it means so much to me to hear those words. 

*Put together a bring a dinner a meal night, for one of my families, that have a child with leukemia.  They have 5 children, low income and mom is overwhelmed.  I've been dealing with the kids at the school, who are hurting, but am so pleased with the overwhelming support the staff is showing this family.  We have a sign up sheet for a meal a night, it is filled.  What I didn't expect was how many staff members who came to me in tears, telling me their own stories about how cancer/leukemia touched their own life and how much they want to help.  I was overwhelmed.  I know this line is in a song some place, but it was "Human kindness, overflowing....."

*Read an article by Glenn Close on the Huffington Post, that another Blogger shared, about the Stigma of Mental Illness and the National Group, trying to Change that, Bring Change to Mind.  Was pleased and put me into action on a local level.  It felt good.  Please google it and read it, if you can.

*Hitting up all my relatives to donate to my journal cause (see last post).  It is unbelievable what these children write to me.  Even the children who are suppose to be the "good" kids.  I currently have 30 journals to go through this weekend, and I don't see it as a chore.  HUGE thank you to my blogger friends who have donated. XOXOXO

*Had lunch with a friend.  I was upset, went for a drive, ended up at a church quilt show, found the sunflower quilt and actually called a friend, who always says she is there if I ever need to talk, and she was there.  It was so nice and I talked, felt 100 times better.  This is huge for me.  Thank God for friends, here in my every day life and for my blogger friends.

Happy Halloween!  Be safe and stay warm.

XXXXXXX 

Cool Writing Journals for 4th, 5th and 6th Grades

Cool Writing Journals for 4th, 5th and 6th Grades

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I wanted to share this, with you, all my blogger friends, that my project finally got accepted at Donorschose.org. Michelle (thank you) told me about this great program, and I started to work on it. It took a lot more work than I thought, and it was more confusing due to the rules, but in the end I DID IT! The deadline is March 26, and if I don't meet the goal, I loose all the donations. However, I'm optimistic and have nothing to loose. It is for my kids after all and I thing writing in journals have literally been a life saver for some. I do mean that.

No pressure to support this, really none at all. I know how tight times are right now. I just wanted to share my happiness with you, and have you all check it out and let me know how I did.
Thanks. XOXOXO

Pink Pumpkins and Grief Group

Friday,  we had our weekly Grief Group.  It is now up to 10 students, but could be up to 30 or more if we had the space and time.  We are thinking about adding more, we need to.  Anyway, last Friday we discussed how it is hard to talk to people about their feelings about the loss because they don't want to, "make them any more upset."  This is common, as we all know, especially for children.

So picture my office on Friday, 25 orange pumpkins, not enough newspaper covering the floor and table, 6 bottles of pink paint and brushes.  The kids were baffled why we were painting orange pumpkins pink.  It lead into a very interesting conversation about Breast Cancer and this being National Breast Cancer Month.  Most of them had no idea what research meant or what all those pink ribbons meant, that they are seeing all over the place.  What was more interesting was the more we talked the more they realized how they had lost relatives or friends to breast cancer.  What was extra special about this, was teachers, who you would never expect to get emotional kept stopping by the room and saying things like, "I lost my mom to breast cancer 6 years ago and I think about her every day.  Breast cancer really sucks.  Thank you for doing this."  So the students learned more about research in general, why we try to raise money for this cause (and others) and how many lives breast cancer touches.  We were planning on giving out the pumpkins to the members of the staff, that my co-worker and I knew were personally touched by this disease or had participated in Race for the Cure.  The kids were going to deliver them.  By the end of the group, the more teachers that stopped by to comment, the more meaningful and personal it all became.  So, despite the paint on their noses, arms, my chairs, their clothes, my favorite black pants and yes our rug, the kids all felt like they were giving a little something back to the school community.  It was an extra special group.  Some of them got creative and painted the ribbons they have seen, some painted the stems, some are making cards to add, when the dry, but overall, it was a GREAT experience.

Right after school I had to take a student shopping for clothes at Kohls  for some clothes.  Her mom is working hard, trying to study to be a nurse and she has 4 kids she is trying to take care of.  I took Hannah with me and we had a blast.  The gift card was for 100.00, anonymous, from a staff member and Hannah and I added a little extra too.  It is so hard when you are in 5th and 6th grade and have no clothes, the other kids can be so mean.  We got a ton for our money and she was so happy.  I wish I made more money because I swear, it is the little things in life, like hair bows, journals, new jeans, new shoes, that can turn a students whole world around.  We went out to dinner afterwards, she said, "You are the nicest person I know."  I told her the whole school loved and cared about her and all she had to do was to stay in school, stay out of trouble and keep getting those good grades.  If she can do that through 12th grade, Syracuse University and other colleges will pay for 4 years of her tuition and all her books.  It is an amazing deal.  You just have to get 6th graders to see the big picture, one step at a time.

On Saturday, an old student, who is now in High School, who had found me at my new school, went to the mall.  I thought we were going to go to a movie and lunch, but she really just wanted to talk and catch me up on her life.  Life has been so hard for her.  She gave me a huge book of her poems and a book she wrote and wants my input, so I'll be doing some reading this week. She didn't want me to buy her anything, but since her Birthday just passed, she gave in with a Twilight Sweatshirt.  The things these kids go through, scare me.  I remember her in pink bows and cute outfits.  She now hides her body in  huge oversize hoodies and what she has been dealing with, since I last saw her in 5th grade (she is in 10th now) makes me wonder how she is still alive.  I'll be keeping in touch with her....Did I tell you I love my students.  My girls were at the mall too, but they wanted to go to the movies.  In the end it worked out good because the student wanted to talk to me alone.

We are still waiting for a bed for Melanie to open up.  We are praying it is the one close to our house, but don't know for sure.  Her bi polar is getting worse, last night was a very, very rough night.  I didn't sleep, just cried and cried, wondering how much longer I could do this.  Not much.  She has to say yes to this program and I told her if she did not say yes, she could not live in our home with her bi polar this unstable.  That set her off, in a huge way, but I had to put it out there.  It has gone beyond safety for me and for Hannah.  She is getting more physical and verbally abusive and the constant screaming that can go on for hours is taking its toll on the entire family.  Hannah was doing so well with her new school, I see her anxiety coming back, not sleeping, worried about me, etc.  I can't go back there.  I love Melanie so much, but it is not healthy for either one of us for her to be her with her bi polar untreated or should I say, the bi polar medication/therapy not working and not stable.  This place we found is perfect, she is so lucky to have gotten in, since she is 18, but she is still refusing.  I'm thinking about going to court to try to get guardianship over her.  It is so hard for me to write this, but I have no choice because it will only get worse from here, without help.

Mental illness is an illness and I have to keep reminding her sisters that you have to separate Melanie from her behaviors her illness brings on.  I just wish society would see that it is a medical problem.  It runs in families.  Who would choose to live like that?  She is an ultra rapid cycle, who wants so desperately to just fit in.  She hated having bi polar, it is a huge monster to fight.  She has a family who loves her, unconditionally, no matter what, even if she can't live with us.

While we were in NYC last weekend she went to visit NYU, where she keeps insisting she is going.  She was so overwhelmed, she could barely get in the door.  Total emotionally breakdown.  It was sad, yet good for her to see, that she is not ready, even thou she has the grades, to go to NYC, to a 4 year college.  She needs treatment and her emotional supports in place.  In NYC, they saw Mary Poppins, loved it.  I saw, by myself, Love, Loss and What I Wore.  I LOVED it.  Tyne Daley was in it and so was Rosie O'Donnell.  I met Rosie after the show, she signed my poster and we talked for 10 mins. or so.  She is so funny and so nice, I just love her.  I love what she does for children.  Highlight of my trip.  I also hunted down Alice Ripley, the star of Severely Normal, the play Melanie loved about the bi polar mom (she plays the mom) and got her to write, Happy Birthday Melanie in her famous bubble letters on a playbill.  Melanie cried when I gave it to her.  That was a good weekend, last weekend.

Truth be told, I'm not doing well.  I'm really stressed.  Wake up in the middle of the night crying and can't breath, anxiety is on the high end, trying very hard to keep it all together, I'm the great pretender, but inside I can't get  this awful feeling out of my body.  Totally overwhelmed.  I am going to counseling alone and with David.  I'm doing to a psychiatrist, who really just writes prescriptions.  Joined Jenny Craig and I am down 15 pounds, but I'm still to weak to exercise due to the blood infection from the hospital IV, but that is getting better.  However, there is so many positives I keep trying to focus on, my girls, my husband, my dogs, my dogs, my cat, the fact that it is autumn, my friends and how lucky I am to have a job that I love.  I have been with this job since 1985, still love it, in fact, I love it more today than ever.  My new school is pure bliss.  Funny, I resisted change for so long, but it turned out to be the best thing ever, changing schools that it is.

I hope you all have a great week.  Take time to enjoy the leaves or if the leaves don't change color where you are, enjoy the sun shining on your face, a sweet smell of a flower of the loving touch of your pet.  Remember, it is the little, simple things, that really do bring us joy.

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